IN THIS ONE, CURIOUSITY SAVED THE CAT

Much like a scientist, I once had a deep interest in  practical experiments. In my case, my test subjects were never other humans (or animals) but my very dear self. It is I, so to speak, you'd find sprawled on the dissecting table, at the mercy of my own poking and scrutiny. Curiosity was essentially my middle name, and I did seek experience with the singular purpose of taking the ride for myself -  experimenting on everything that tickled my fancy. 

So in light of this, I'd like to beg the reader's indulgence in regarding me, even if for just this moment, as an authority on the subject of “Trying It Out For Yourself”.

You know, firsthand knowledge is always the best, far much better than any other means of getting to know about a thing. For instance, I wouldn't have fully grasped the high-marijuana­- induced-feeling expressed by the nameless protagonist in the book, The Beautiful Ones Are Not Yet Born, if I hadn't tried it out for myself. Though his arguments were quite convincing about the benefits of smoking weed, I still had to get high to know exactly what he meant…as intimately as possible. 

In like manner, I have tested and explored the flagrant life of a Casanova. With exuberance and with much, much alacrity I have dated many different girls, particularly based on their geographical representation - all in the name of sampling. And the reason was simply that I wanted to know: like, how does the Tiv girl differ from the Calabar, the Hausa from the Yoruba? Bad, bad I know, but wait... I didn't stop there, for  against my better judgment, I have even tried out what it would feel like to be a drunkard within a testing period of six months. Even the thrill of gambling didn't fall below my radar; for all the betting joints knew me very well. And at the end of all my shenanigans, I genuinely could say that “I had been there and done it all”.

However, in spite of my debauched tendencies, the goodness in me also cried out for some adventure. I wanted to take the trip to know God for myself. And although my interest was inspired by the words of the preacher, I wasn't - as usual - contented in just being told how it's like. Instead, I wanted to prove with my own eyes and mind all that the pastors claimed in their Sunday sermons. Was it truly possible for me to live a life of liberty – a life free from the corruption of this world? Could I really possess powers qualified as incomparable? And most tantalizing of all, is there a chance under heaven I'd actually get to know a spirit God on a personal level? Such were the questions that rambled in my head. But they all remained bull (of course, without the “shit”) as long as it all ended with what the pastors said.

Virtuously Bizarre, I Think

At the risk of coming across as one who’s gone off his rockers, I’d like us to consider for just a moment the notable virtues of the man I saw visiting the bank in stripy boxer shorts. True, say “bizarre and strange” and I would totally agree with you, but let’s not rush too quickly into conclusions and think this man is nothing else but a wacky fellow. In my own opinion, I think he’s a very rational man and I dare say, wise, too.

It all happened last Thursday, at lunchtime, when I went to the bank to use the cash machine. It was while I was waiting my turn that I had the pleasure of seeing this spectacle of a man: black as coal, tall as an iroko and wide as ehh...I can’t really say – anyway, he was a big, big, full-grown man. He was a man in a gray long sleeve shirt and of course, a red and white striped boxers. Undoubtedly, he was the most interesting sight I had seen that dreary Thursday.

Naturally, to all that saw him that day, he may have appeared a mad man.  For to walk into a banking place situated in a bona fide urban area like Alagomeji, wearing what seems to be his favourite boxers (just guessing), is nothing short of lunacy. But what does it matter, especially when there’s a great chance of a good reason behind his action? By merely looking at his form and gait, you could tell there was something driving him. Something we might never know except he told us himself.

However, on this occasion, there was no way under heaven I would have asked him why a seemingly sane man as he would go outdoors in that fashion. No way I’d risk an insult. Nevertheless, with keen observant eyes anyone could tell he was at least driven by a touch of purpose, thus, the reason I admire him.

With stern dark eyes, he was a man fixed on a goal, looking straight ahead, looking neither left nor right. He wasn’t bothered by the eyes all around him. There consternation was none of his business. All that mattered to him was the task of withdrawing some money. That was his only concern.

And by the manner in which he ignored the world around him, he showed nothing but sheer mettle. He showed the way we ought all to carry ourselves in whatever we did that mattered to us. He demonstrated focus by paying needless attention to what the world might think about his dressing - a thing of lesser importance. To him, all that counted was the achieving of his goal. For that, he couldn't have had any reason whatsoever for embarrassments.

Now, why the man went out scantily clad might be a question for debate. But why should anyone even bother. Like the proverbial frog, I don’t think the man hopped in broad daylight for no justifiable reason. At the time I watched him, I wasn’t so much concerned about his dressing (though I was well taken aback by it) as I was about the way he carried himself. He carried himself without concern for anything but his business - the business of getting that cash. Don’t get me wrong, his actions were indeed out of the ordinary. But who says there’s nothing to learn from even the most outlandish of things.  Who says?






*Cartoon by Osazee Igbinosun

The Big Madams of Lagos

Just out of the blue, a strange incident happened as I waited at the bus stop for the usual Danfo ride. I was heading home, it was after work, and I was standing under the glare of the afternoon sun when the sight of eight Yoruba women swaggering toward the road caught my eyes.

Their dresses suggested they were on their way to a Friday party. But quite noticeably, they had a particular air about them. It was of a blaring sort I believe - a mix of self-worth, audacity and pride.

The way they strolled, talked and gestured made them a spectacle worthy of interest. And by looking at them, even the least suspecting man could predict an ensuing incident in the making. So with rapt attention I joined fellow spectators hoping and waiting to be entertained.

Surely, it happened our prayers were answered. We witnessed as these women literally laid claim to the major road, Queens Street, as if it were their own. And at that moment, even though it was just for a few minutes, Lagos undeniably lost one of its streets to the madams.

Yes, these women were familiar Lagosian who strutted in peculiar confidence. Yes, the eight of them, stout and plump, were regal, for they were attired in rich colourful aso e bi and crowned with huge headdresses – the gele. However, it wasn’t necessarily how they looked that intrigued me the most. It was their deeds, which spelt in bold letters: “I KNOW WHO I AM, AND YOU BETTER SHOW ME SOME RESPECT”.

It was with assertive force that they arrested all attention when traffic on Queens Street was completely brought to a stop on their account. Not for just a minute or two or even for five but for a whole ten minutes, and it was all because the big madams demanded that they must cross the street in style, and that was exactly what they did.

First, the biggest of the lot walked to the centre of the road, then, with the abruptness and firmness of a military officer, she raised her hand and commanded the coming vehicles to “Stop there!” Imagine that. All the motorists did stop, and they did so without any complaints at all. Oh how dazed I was! As if in awe of a spectacular performance, I stood with a gaping mouth.  I couldn’t believe the sight.

As the women traversed the street, not more than one went at a time. It was a typical fashion parade as they each carried along with calculated grace and elegance. It was a procession of mirth and positive enjoyment for them – all at the expense of the buses and cars waiting to be on their way.

Not in Lagos do you find things like these happen everyday. On the streets this was an offence warranting the usual expletives, “Your papa, Na you get road?” or “Abegi comot for road jare, you done craze for head abi?” In the Lagos I know, insults like that would very much be in order. But as I said, to my shock, all the drivers just sat in their cars and obeyed the stop-command like little docile kids. Not even a word did they utter.

Did the madams cast a spell or juju as we call it here in Africa? I cannot say, but when I think about it, apart from the kick I got from the whole excitement, I can’t help but note a viable lesson: These women walked in the reality of who they believed themselves to be. They weren’t ready to be taken for granted. The common thing would have been to run across the road in fear of the impatient Lagos drivers. But they did the uncommon. They stood their ground with dignity and exerted themselves as the big madams that they were, in every way true and authentic.